Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
