Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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