I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
