he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
