textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
