I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
