i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
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i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
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I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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