I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
