What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
