The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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