Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
