There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
