What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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