just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.