I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
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I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
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i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I am available for nakedness