I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
