cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
