I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
