Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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