It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
