So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
