I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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