got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
