Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
