The best revenge is premature balding
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
