When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
