i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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