I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
