he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
