I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
