Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
