I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
