i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
