I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
