i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
