my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
