oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
