mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
