My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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