Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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