Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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