My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
