THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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