dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
