We need to start having sex underwater more often.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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