Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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