Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Never underestimate the power of titties
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
