today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
