God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
