the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
