The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
