just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
