I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
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Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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