haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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