So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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