Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
