had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
